What are we revealing anyway?

There's a surprising trend happening on my social media feeds lately, and as the temperatures outside rise it seems to be getting more heated. Up to now I haven't completely agreed with any of the several articles and posts I've read on the subject, so I thought it was time to weigh in.

Modesty.

That's right, odd that modesty is so trendy and controversial, don't you think? There seems to be two schools of thought on the subject. And they both have valid points.

First is that modesty is a self-sacrifice that women make to help the men around them control their thoughts and physical reactions. We, as women, want men to focus on who we are as a person, and so we dress in a way that helps them see more than just our bodies. This is exemplified by the "Evolution of the Swim Suit" video, (P.S. have you seen the cute swim suits she designed?) as well as several blog posts of late. These ideas are usually pushed by educated, religious young women who want to be seen as fashionable, sophisticated and fun. They cite studies and evidence that the less clothing we wear, the more difficult we make it for men to think of us beyond our physicality. This group says that revealing clothing is designed to attract the wrong kind of attention and power; modesty allows women to be valued for their intellect, personality and inherent self-worth.

In many respects, this is all true.

However there is another school of thought, and it comes with a catchy slogan. "Modesty - because it's easier to tell women to cover up than to tell men to control themselves." This argument says that our bodies are an important and beautiful part of who we are, and that we are excusing men who objectify (and sometimes worse) women based on the woman's clothing choices. We too often teach men that immodestly dressed women are enemies who are just trying to tempt them sexually and that they're just asking to be objectified. This group rejects the idea that says scantily clad women are 'just asking to get raped'. Instead they say it's time to hold men accountable for their own thoughts and behaviors, regardless of how the women around them choose to dress.

And in many respects, this is all true.

So where is the middle ground? Here are a couple of bottom lines as I see things.

Wearing revealing clothing creates a very real reaction, particularly in men. Duh, right? Most humans have sexual attractions and feelings, and it's a real, beautiful and challenging part of being a human.

That said, telling men that it's normal to objectify or violate women because of these normal feelings is not OK. Saying that it's up to women to ensure men value them as human beings and not objects is not OK.

Here's where I suggest a compromise. Why don't we change the way that we talk about modesty? Let's view the human body (both male and female) as beautiful, strong and really incredible. Let's accept sexuality as a natural and wonderful part of those bodies. Then let's decide that respect for all human beings and their sexuality is the responsibility of both men and women. Modesty is really just that - only a part of the 'respect' equation. Chastity, fidelity and modesty are all tied together, and responsibility for those virtues does not lie with one gender or the other.

Maybe it's just time for a more open dialogue from both genders about how to help the individuals around us live those virtues. If that means that as women we wear a little more, great! If that means that as men we think a little longer about what we say and do, great! If it means that we're more careful in our working relationships or friendships with members of the opposite sex (particularly when they're in a relationship), great!

Men, it's time to step up. Time to control your own sexuality, your own thoughts and feelings. It really is your responsibility to see the women around you as wonderful people with infinite capabilities. You can do that no matter what those women are wearing.

Women, it's time to step up. Time to stop using the cop-out that you're only dressing for the men around you. It's important and valuable to love your own body and to dress in a way that expresses something about who you are. Just remember that you are more than just your body. Exposing more of your body reflects the way that you value yourself - is your body really the only thing you want others (not just men) to pay attention to?

As Rey puts it, "Modesty isn't about covering up our bodies because they're bad, it's not about hiding, it's about revealing our dignity."

Modesty is important, because it's part of respect. Respect for ourselves. Respect for the people around us. Even more important is the way that we think about and treat ourselves and those around us. And both men and women are responsible for those thoughts and behaviors.

Breaking the Silence

I’ve been pondering this post for a long time. 

As Prop 8 hits the Supreme Court fan and thousands of people watch to see if the Justices will make history, a large part of the population has remained largely silent.

They’re holding their breath.

I’ve been a part of that group, but I’m so tired of being bullied into silence. It’s time to speak for what I believe.

First, let me say that I know and love a few gay people. I have friends and family members who are gay. They’re awesome people. They’re attracted to people of the same gender. That’s fine with me. I understand that it’s a core part of them, just like loving and being attracted to my husband is a core part of me.

I know that people who are gay or lesbian are just as capable of goodness and kindness and love as straight people.  I think they deserve happiness, and I think they deserve equality.

Yet, every day when I log onto Facebook, scroll through Twitter and check the news I get hit in the face by hate. I’m told that I’m a bigot, that I have no brain, that I’m old-fashioned and uncivilized. Why?

Because I support traditional marriage.

This is a decision I’ve struggled with, for all of the reasons I listed above. I know that people are people, gay or straight. I want everyone to be happy.

So how can I deny gay couples should have the right to marry?

It’s because of what I believe about marriage. As a Christian, I believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that God created the institution of marriage as the best environment to create families who learn and grow and try to become like Christ.

I also believe that homosexual relations are morally wrong. Just as I believe that any sexual relations not between a married man and woman are morally wrong. To me, sex is a sacred act meant to express love between married couples and to bring children into the world.  And marriage is a safeguard, a sacred contract.

To me, defining marriage as between a man and a woman is not an act of hate like the media tells me it is. It’s not a point for endless debate on the merits of hetero versus homosexual couples.

It’s about defining something legally that God designed a long time before we got here.

I hope my gay friends know that I love them, and I want them to be happy. I may not agree with all their actions, but I know that I can’t fully understand what they’re going through. I’m not trying to disrespect you, I just want some respect from you too.

Respect for what I believe, for what I hold sacred.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with what I’ve said or how I feel. Just please stop the intolerance and hate for what I believe. Please don’t call me a bigot, please don’t call me stupid. I’m well aware of all your arguments for gay marriage, but I morally can’t support them, because of what I believe about marriage.

I still love you.